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Tuesday, July 15, 2003
10:17 p.m.
""Something old; something new""
I neglected to mention the fact that I have been writing more in another journal, available at the following url:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/candyforfree/
Apparently, I am too lazy to link it. F that S.
-Laura.
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Sunday, June 22, 2003
10:49 a.m.
""Mer, my mom gave me a card shaped like a high-heeled shoe""
Yesterday was one of the more enjoyable days of my existence, I would say. Actually, if we generalize it even more, it is one of the best weeks, as well! I went to John's birthday (happy birthday ... #9) party that was super fun and I was able to hear Four Winds Early again; with singer twice removed. Er, well, not exactly, but I like the way that sounds. Psht, I like the way they sound. It's totally groove-able.
So anyway, yesterday, I went to Fanime with Laura and George for the bulk of the day. I woke up at freakin' 7, the earliest I have gotten up all year I think. (For school, I wake up around 7:15) Fanime itself was, in a word, good, although I feel that it disappointedme. I have been to it for 2 years now, and many of the events, while entertaining, are not that much different. I hate to say it, but in some respects, if you have seen one person dress up as a Sailor Scout, you've seen them all. No offense. (Cmon' you know Sailormoon was the first anime i loved) Also, it seemed like last year they were screening a lot more new, unheard of, unreleased things, like I My Me! Strawberry Eggs and the Cardcaptor Sakura movie, and Metropolis. This year, not to sound conceited, but I had already seen most of it. Yu-yu Hakasho (sp?)..? seen it. Inu-yasha? Love it already. Akira? Macross? Well, duh, they are only some of the first and greatest anime to achieve such a success. All I am saying is, for my purposes, I would have liked there to be more spiffy newness all around. Even the Dealer's room was a drag. I think it's the economy. Yea, I know, blame it on the economy, but truly, only HALF of the room was filled up. Maybe not even. And it was super repetitive, too. And the prices weren't as low as before. Wah wah wah. So anyway, I had fun, but this wasn't the best year for me. It's okay though, I am glad Laura and George loved it. =)
I was exhausted, I will admit, from being forced out of bed at such an early hour, so I told whoever I was going out with to expect a very lax Laura who just wanted to sit and be entertained. Maggie obliged, and we walked up and down Bascom's various record stores in search of some form of eardrum enticement, I suppose. Then her and Beth and some people saw a movie at the Pruneyard, so I walked myself home, in about 45 minutes since I was slowly strolling. It would have qualified as a nice, soothing type-of-walk had not I been holla-ed at so many damn times. So later, Brian took me and Billy out so we could, well, get out, and we visited Jeff so we could rape him. Ok, not rape him, just visit and be nice to him. I knew he was grounded, and I wanted to leave him a little present or something since I didn't know if he was allowed to come outside and talk or not, but I couldn't think of anything, so I brought Billy. hehe. Originally, we wanted to put a bow on Billy, but we never got around to it. Anyway, so that was mighty fine a day. I must admit. Best week of summer so far. Considering it is the only week of summer I have had thus far. hah.
-Laura.
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Thursday, June 19, 2003
08:13 p.m.
""I swear to god.""
Everything is based on appearances. Yes, I knew this, but I had hope that people still looked to the inside as what counts. I *had* hope. But I guess I was wrong. It's like, people say they won't hang out with posers. And then, there are these posers, but they happen to be good-looking ones, so it is suddenly alright. And of course, the people in love with them try to convince themselves of this by saying that they aren't really into it. Ok, YOU say that, but THEY say otherwise. I wish people would just consider the fact that they are being so hypocritical when they do this.
No really. Think about it. You could be doing it too. You probably are. This is the shit-shit-shittiest entry I have ever written, but I can't elaborate.
-Laura.
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003
11:57 a.m.
""The world may never know""
I don't think I will ever find the [right] person. No one understands me absolutely perfect and has the same qualities themselves. I don't mind though; 16 is a little young to seek it out. I'm happy with the good friends I have. I am extremely thankful that I am still close and am able to hang out with people who others may throw out once their expiration date comes up. I guess I am in a very ramble-y mood today, but I don't mean to be. I woke up at freakin' 11:30 and there were a bunch of loud guys talking in Spanish outside my window cutting down this big tree. Ugh.
There's this really cool song by Elliot Smith, called "Because" ...it has a distinct tune to it, and I always get it stuck in my head. For this reason, I am typing out the lyrucs:
Because the world is round,
it turns me on.
Because the world is round. Ahhh.
Because the wind is high,
it blows my mind.
Because the wind is high. Ahhh.
Love is old, love is new.
Love is old, love is you.
Becuase the sky is blue,
it makes me cry.
Because the sky is blue. (Extended) Ahhh-hhh.
-Laura.
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Sunday, June 15, 2003
10:22 p.m.
""Please don't""
Maybe I am just clingy, in fact, I know I am... but I always want to stay friends with people from start to finish. And by that, I mean, I want to be friends forever, and not have an off and on relationship. I think it's bullshit to not talk to someone after you break up with them if they are a decent person and all.
Brian was a great boyfriend. He's a great person. So, as stated, I want to remain in good standards with him. I hadn't seen or really even talked to him for over 2 weeks, and I'll be honest- I was craving it, like I crave anyone when I go without seeing them for a while. He said I could come over. I'm pretty sure it was reluctantly, but I wasn't going to pull back and be like "oh nevermind then, hoe." Unfortunately, it felt a little awkward when I was there. I don't care about having nothing to do, or being bored or any of that, really... I care about people, and conversation, and quality time. I barely got to talk to him about the stuff I wanted to by the time his friends began arriving. I don't have a problem with any of them, honestly I think they are all grand people whom I wouldn't mind getting to know better. It's just that, as soon as they are there it seems like he changes; starts talking impersonally. That's alright, I'm not complaining. It just hurts a little to know I dropped so much in value so fast. I completely understand, I just wish things weren't so.
On a sidenote-- (and I know this sounds hypocritical but I will try to explain) I hate inside jokes. And when I say that, I mean I love having inside jokes, but if you bring them up in front of other people you should either explain them or not talk about it unless you know they don't care. Being on the outside sucks, of course, but tonight I felt it even more. Something like this happened: *ahem* Brian and his friend were talking about how he didn't play Kings of Chaos anymore, and he was saying how it was a lame game or something along those lines, and he said something like "Yea I don't do those loser things anymore." To which his friend laughed and acclaimed him on his good work on this joke he had somehow made. And, when asked by others to repeat it, he claimed he couldn't say it out loud or gesture again because everyone was paying attention. Alright, so I am paranoid and things. So I shouldn't be. But I can't help but think they when he said he didn't do "loser" things anymore, he meant he didn't do me anymore. Since I am the loser annoying fuck. right? Wouldn't that make sense? Wouldn't that qualify as something he couldn't repeat (since I was sitting next to him), or say again? I was pissed off, I'll be honest, because that's truly what I felt. And I would rather be made fun of to my face than talked about behind my back, to tell the truth. So I just left. I didn't even want to say goodbye. Not even to Jeff, the coolie cool cooler. Wah wah wah.
It just goes to show how much relationships between friends can change, for no good reason. He used to care. I don't even think he does anymore. Not for this loser. He used to read this. He doesn't now, probably. Meh. I want to address the issue though. Because I am superstitious. Because I care, even if he doesn't. But I can't, because he will only really talk when no one else is around. And, frankly, there's always someone there. *sigh*
-Laura.
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Sunday, June 15, 2003
01:05 a.m.
""Goodbye Dr. Sex-me-up (a joke, you dolt)""
*ahem* Ryan is leaving for a week tomorrow. But he's my fun-guy. My fungi. aww...
"imma miss you bad laura. i was looking forward to leaving a while ago, now i'm realizing it may not be so easy! anyway, i gotta get some sleep, late- love ryan"
=D
-Laura.
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Wednesday, June 11, 2003
08:13 p.m.
""Time lapse""
Two days ago, 2/13 of my close circuit of friends revealed to me some personal information of which I am fairly grateful. I am privileged to be thought of as trustworthy and emotionally close, but, unfortunately, it actually made me feel more distant than before. I thought our close-knit little knot of friends was indeed that; close-knit... meaning we knew all about each other, what irks and what brings joy, just...any given thing we knew how the others would react. After 6 years of building this up, I was proud to claim that our group was different. An eclectic mix we have, I said, and how cooperative we were, and how open and honest with each other we are.
So, two nights ago, my world was rocked more than I wanted to believe when I realized that I did not know people nearly as well as I thought. What good of a friend am I if it took a number of months before I was considered reliable? But then again, would I have really wanted to continue to go along contently living in ignorance rather than be exposed and realize these truths, of course not. Although the thought crossed my mind. So I guess I don't mean quite what I thought I did to certain individuals, and that is alright, I understand that. I am not going to re-evaluate everyone else based on it, no, but... it does make me wonder... how mutual is this compassion after all?
-Laura.
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Sunday, June 8, 2003
11:47 a.m.
""*sigh*""
So I haven't written in a while. Unfortunately for me, this is probably the most crucial time for me to be writing. That is, the last few months and such. I think I may need to get a new journal. It was great when only I had one and no one knew about it but now everyone has one and they all know and- it's just a big mess of journals to read, especially when I maybe don't want mine in there, you know? Actually, I have no idea what I am talking about; just sometimes I feel very strange thinking about the people who read this. I know no one *important* does, and by important, I am no one I should honestly have to hold my tongue for, and yet, I still worry, becase it has happened in the past. I don't care that they know how I feel, but I figure it is their undoing if *they* take the time to revisit my journal and skim through it whenever they so desire. Anyway--
Yearbooks are out again; it's that time of year, thankfully... And yet, I can't help but look back and be dissappointed with it all. I don't have anything spectacular or nostalgic to write in anyone's yearbook; I can't recall many sweet moments of bliss that we've had together, even... In fact, more than ever I am rather pissed off... well, no, pissed off is not the right set of words to articulate it, but more along the lines of upset at myself for what I have let the year become.
Now, before I say a word, I love all of my friends, and that is just... a given. But sometimes, some of them have these attitude trips that bother me. Now I am not saying that I don't, because let's face it, we all do, but it's like some people refuse to even recognize it. No one in our group says sorry anymore. No one apologizes. Sure, for the little "crap, I didn't mean to scratch your thumb" stupid-ass occurences. But I mean, for anything important. Now, part of this is of course personal, some people just ask for it way too much and put on their "No, it's fine to do what you want but I am actually really upset about it" voice/face/...thing... and THAT well, pisses me off, because if you are going to be a little brat about it then no way am I going to appease you with an apology.
But such things as an honest pissing off of someone or just a general time when someone is shafted or something- these things go without recognition, and why, when they are the important things? ... I used to honestly not have any *real* problems with these people, just a bunch of crap-drama ones that were there possibly just for entertainment value. Now I have the very opposite, but... it's still not even that bad. I wouldn't go without them, I know... well, maybe I would, but I have no reason to; they aren't horribly maltreating anyone *that* badly. hehe.
I just hope that everyone else is as thankful for each other as I am for them. I don't think people even think about it; even realize how shitty starting form scratch is. Sure at first, it's fun and great to meet people and hang out, but you learn their dirty secrets and get involve in far more shit than you want to be... and you find out all of their hidden problems and and, just so much. I guess that's why there are different levels of friendships. Not that I rank mine, but I mean. hey. I'm so out of it, i can't even explain myself correctly. ahhh!
I don't understand how people can go and do something and call themselves better for it. I mean, I think that it's great to have an opportunity and to take advantage of it, and I am all for it. But I think that due to certain circumstances, not everyone can do that. I just want people to recognize this, and keep this in the back of their heads. I just want people to understand that there's going to be a little sourness if they say "no I don't want to hang out with you" and then 3 days later ask for a favor. Sure, it's different with good friends who have known each other, but thinking back on it: you wouldn't treat a new friend that way, would you? So why is it that when you are friends with people for a long time, they lose respect and value for it? Along those lines, people get upset when people don't show them compassion and support in their endeavors. But how can we when they barely give us anything to work with in return? When someone gives you the cold shoulder, what, aren't you going to give it back?
I guess I just feel extremely devalued. I don't think anyone really cares about me anymore. No one really wants me in their life; I'm just there. In this respect, it is good to have this feeling to humble myself next time I treat someone in a disrespectful manner. Too bad some people are so selfish they never consider themselves in this light and continue to be bitchy to everyone else and expect love in return for it. That is one thing though. At least I don't fake it. I can't explain ANYTHING today, arrrg!! I'm just in a bad mood, despite the fact that I had a really good time last night. I have a feeling this summer will bring plenty of good hang out times though. Well, that's the hope.
-Laura.
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